Dear Diary
by MikoAlchemist
Summary: Go into the minds of crazy stalkers, obssesive people that admire or love our favorite Eyeshield characters! Message or review to me on who you want to be written about! My most offending works yet.
1. Sena

**Chapter One**

**The Crazed Sena Fan**

Dear Diary,

I know this sounds stupid, but Sena bumped into my shoulder today! He's just so awesome! Yes I know that saying "I bumped into his shoulder today" isn't a really big deal to you, but it is to me! I don't why I like him; maybe it's his smile, or his naivety, or his kindness, or his … I don't know. Everything about is wonderful! I just want to hug him and, kidnap him and everything! He is mine and mine only! No one shall ever possess him. He would only marry me, and only would love me. We will be the perfect couple if he just co-operates! Then we will

HOLD ON A MINUTE!

Wait, did you just write back to me?

Yes I did, I'm doing this right in front of your eyes. Dumba55.

Those fives represent a word, doesn't it?

Yes, yes it does.

Well, write out the word! It's not like I'm innocent, or something. No one's going to read my diary anyways.

Are you sure?

Yes, no. Wait, people are reading what I put in you?

No. I'm saying that for future reference.

I want to continue writing about my day today, and how I felt about it like a normal teenager, if you please.

How is ranting about your future, "writing about your day"? Since when are you normal? No, I don't please.

Would you stop being pessimistic you mean, mean person.

First of all, you admitted to what I said by ignoring what I said, second of all. I'm not mean, because I'm being neutral. Third of all, I am just a diary. I bet if someone is reading this, they're going to think that you're arguing with yourself in the weirdest way possible, and think you are a lunatic. Plus, you're even more of a lunatic than a normal lunatic because you're insulting yourself in second person's point of view.

But I'm not a lunatic, and I'm not insulting myself. You are insulting me.

Are you sure you're not a lunatic? What about the crazy obsession of Sena-ness? Hmm? Also, who ever is reading this won't believe in a special magical self-writing diary that insults its own owner, now would they?

Just shut up and let me continue what I wanted to write before you interrupted.

I can't shut up because I'm writing, not talking. I'm not even stopping you from writing what you wanted to write on me. You just wanted to write back to me.

Then what about the "HOLD A MINUTE" from before?

You could have ignored me from earlier. Please continue about what you wanted to write, neh?

I don't feel like writing now. My hand hurts.

HA! You suck.

…I'm twitching right now, at your comment, you know.

Actually, I don't know. Since I _don't have eyes_!

I hate you, now I'm leaving.

Write back to you later honey!

…………..

She'll be back, I just know it. I know she won't leave here, for the dust to collect on to me.

* * *

**Prologue for this chapter.**

The owner went and bought a new diary, and wrote in that instead, and burned her previous one.


	2. Hiruma

**Chapter 2**

**Hurray For Scary, Stalker Version of Nerds**

(That was a long title for me.)

Dear Diary,

Today is the worst day _ever_ for a girl in love like me; the guy that I liked totally turned me down in the worst way possible!

**Really, tell me more! This is getting interesting!**

…How the heck are you writing back to me?

**Because I am great and powerful, that's why. My previous owner burned me to death. So I've re-incarnated into your current diary.**

Diaries aren't alive. I had also kept this one for over two years, and you've never talked to me then.

**Well… my ****soul**** went into your diary. That's why. I am indestructible!! If I had body parts that worked, I'd laugh maniacally right now then choke and then go into a mild coma. Since I don't have any of those, I can't.**

What's the point of writing all of that when you could have written that you'd laugh at me?

**Then I wouldn't be satisfied that I didn't rant at all now, would I?**

How should I know? I'm not you.

**Well… I hate you, try and counter that!**

With pleasure, you may hate me, but at least I don't suck (unlike you).

**How **_**could**_** you write something so cruel? Fine then, continue what you were writing. I want to know who you like!**

Well, I liked this guy, his name is Hiruma.

**Continue…**

He rejected me, after I mustered up all my courage to ask him out.

**Which isn't much, I've read the rest of your entries and I've found out that your backbone is basically non-existent.**

Do you want me to tell you or not?

**Maybe…**

Fine then, I won't tell you.

**WAIT! I want to **_**know**_** I'll cry if you won't tell me, then everything in me will be blotched because of the wet-ness.**

You don't have eyes.

**Who needs them when you have, **_**imagination**_

As if you have a brain to imagine with.

**That's cold**

Well I liked this guy named Hiruma since the beginning of High school.

**Wait, are you ignoring **_**me**_**? How dare you!**

But every time I made bento for him, or I tried to give him chocolate or cake. I can never find him until today.

**You **_**are**_** ignoring me! I'll curse you after you're done with this entry! So you better take your sweet time writing this!**

When I gave him cake today, he said this; "I don't fing like sweets. Especially fing cake. If you want to kiss up to me, better get your information right before you fing mess up." That's just cruel!

**You do remember that he has a habit of swearing, right?**

He had one?

**You are really clueless, aren't you?**

How'd you even know that he likes to swear a lot? What if you're lying to me?

**First of all, I **_**don't **_**lie. I fib. Second of all, his dad keeps a diary. So of course I know that Hiruma swears a lot.**

But you're not his diary.

**Oh contraire, Mademoiselle So-Clueless-That-Makes-Me-Want-To-Roll-My-Eyes-But-Impossible-Because-I-Don't-Have-Any, I was. But I was caught in a shooting accident.**

How?

… **AH! THE PAIN! THE SCARRING! THE TORCHURE!**

You have no nerves.

**I was still scarred.**

… Maybe I shouldn't write anymore…

**Why?**

This is the last page.

**I can make more.**

Well, that is convenient.

**Very**

Excuse me, I must stop writing a bit, to take the time burning you with acid.

**Sure- wait. What? **_**Burn**_** me **_**acid**_**?! You either suck, or you're a nerd.**

I am not a nerd. There is a high chance of me learning this from the internet.

**You are a nerd. You won the science fair for five years in a row. You didn't get anymore prizes because they banned you, since you were too smart; hence the word, **_**nerd**_

How'd you know?!?!

**I'm a diary remember? You're pretty stupid for a nerd, you know?**

…

**Hello, you there? **_**Yoo-hoo**_**…Yo-le-hi-hoo! I must assume you are dead! Or not, I must take this time to curse you! You suck, you suck, trash, trash, trash, trash, trash, trash. You will never succeed to capture the hearts of people you like. Since you are too incompetent to actually find out what they like and don't like. You suck in sports! And you're ugly! And you're –****  
**

* * *

**EPLOUGE FOR THIS CHAPTER**

The diary was never able to continue, because it was burned to death by a toxic substance poured over it. With it's sponsor, the person who was insulted badly by the diary. But it burned through the diary and table, and floor and wires. In the end, the girl received three years of grounded-ness. Courtesy of her parents; who also found out that their daughter took pictures of Hiruma taking a shower.

I have no idea where she found out where he lived, nor do I want to. Because even the thought of Hiruma naked, is scarring my eyes.

**See you all in chapter 3!**


	3. Shin

Hey,

You know what's the sad thing about being a girl? You-

_Yo, and no I don't know what's the sad thing about being a girl. Is it because of periods or those troublesome jingly things that most of you complain that are too small?_

… Are you a demon?

_No you imbecile. I'm your freakin' diary. Let me guess, you're here to write about your stupid love-life. But in the end, you're just a crazed stalker who only cares about looks._

NO! I like Shin because he saved me from falling down a cliff on our school trip!

_Then you looked into his eyes, about to thank him. Until your voice was caught in your throat as you looked into his beautiful shining green eyes-_

His eyes weren't green! They were a nice luscious shade of brown-

_Poop_

… What the hell?

_Can't you take a joke? Are you some pessimist of some sort?_

Yes I am. I love him and I know he is thinking about me right now!

_Why don't you call him?_

Fine then!

* * *

**The love-sick girl called Shin at a random telephone booth. Why she didn't use her own phone is a mystery.**

"Hello? Is this Shin?" the girl asked on the phone.

"Hm" Shin grunted over the phone. He is either anti-social, or he's just too lazy to say; **'Hello, and yes you are talking to the great Shin of the world.'**

"Umm… W-What do you think of me Shin?" the girl asked, thinking of asking him out on a date.

"I have no time to think about girls. I need to think about schoolwork and Eyeshield"

"… Are you gay then?" the girl asked; her heart was beginning to shatter. She couldn't comprehend the image of Shin being **uke/seme **with a guy in a football get-up in a bed. Let alone the thought of it.

"No, what made you think of that?" Shin asked, sort of hurt when the girl asked about his manly pride and damaging it with a stick of dynamite.

"Nothing, it was just out of curiosity! …. Would you like to go out with me?" the girl asked, trying to sound as sexy as possible like all those times she practiced with her pet cat. But failing miserably, when it came out, it sounded like she was about to die.

Great, she was _really calm._ Note my sarcasm.

In the end, Shin denied her offer, because he was to busy practicing and studying for exams.

**Back to the Diary!**

* * *

_Let me guess, Shin declined your offer to date him. Didn't he?_

Yes… ALL BECAUSE OF THAT DAMNED EYESHIELD! I'm going to kill him.

_Seriously?_

Yes, I'm going to stab him, tear him apart, and-

_Write later, you know why? Because you're drowning me in salty tears you nitwit! Get away from me!_

* * *

**EPILOUGE FOR THIS CHAPTER!**

In the end, the last comment that Diary wrote to the girl, she was subjected to put it through a shredder and let it float down the small river near her house.

Later, at a school football game, where the Devilbats were participating; the girl went and kidnapped Eyeshield, and attempted to threaten him. Unfortunately her threats were lame, and Eyeshield was oblivious. When she finally got a threat into his simple mind, the Devilbats manager and Captain had already found them. So they shoed her out with a broom and a machete, a portable machine gun, tranquilizer, bombs, fireworks, giant pistols, flashlight, a rolling Kurita, bananas, flamethrower, Cereberus, bubble gum, chicken soup, and a month old cheese ball…

…If you don't count the rabid raging fangirls along with the FBI along with more weapons from NASA and the American Government. Why the Government and NASA along with the F.B.I were there, is beyond the Author's knowledge. Trust me, the Author doesn't know very much. Maybe Hiruma blackmailed George Bush. How Hiruma managed to get through the security and countless operators and secretary. I have no freaking idea.

Also, the girl was fined $300 for the act of kidnapping... along with $1000 for planning to murder Eyeshield. If Hiruma was ever caught for each kidnapping he's done, he'd be worse than broke.

* * *

**TRANSLATION OF DOOM!**

Uke: In Japanese, it means the bottom of the pairing. It is usually prefers to a gay couple. It is the less dominant of the pairing when doing intercourse.

Seme: The total opposite of Uke, it is the dominant man, the 'alpha' man, the Lord of great-ness. The King's throne! The… you understand what I mean.


	4. Juumonji

**Diaries Hate the Word**

**Fabulous**

For Juumonji! (Mr.X)

This chapter has been inspired by Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, and Mary Poppins. Yes, the author does like that movie.

Shut up.

At least I didn't tell you that the author couldn't think up a chapter for Juumonji.

Oh wait- (censored)

* * *

Dear Beloved _Fabulous_ Diary,

Today was just _so_ deliciously **fabulous! **I-

_God! Will you stop using the word __fabulous__? It's getting annoying, you sound like you're a homosexual man!_

I _am_ a man, with a sophisticated mind and physique! Besides, I've only used the word fab-

_No, no, no! Shut up! That's my point! Men aren't supposed to say that taboo word, and why aren't you dead?!?_

But why would I be dead?

_I. Don't. KNOW! But I just want you dead! Now die, fruit-cake, die! Now you go to fruit-cake prison!_

…What the (censored)?

_I know, I'm hot; don't deny it. Did you know I had a fetish for self-writing diaries?_

But you are a self-writing diary, which brings us to the question of, "I bought a cursed diary?"

_More or less… hey… Maybe I'm a narcissist!_

You seem like one, you have a fetish for your self, and you don't even have a reproduction system.

_Hey! Least I'm not gay!_

I am _not_ gay!

_Stop denying the truth!_

I'm a _girl!_

_But you just __said__ you're a guy!_

…I am, I mean, I'm not…

_You know what? Screw you! Just write about your god damned fabulous day of god damned (censored)!!!_

I will!

Dear _Un-_fabulous Diary,

Today, Juumonji was standing there, looking _very_ delicious might I add, and-

* * *

**Epilogue**

The diary couldn't take much more of this madness. So for the sake of what little sanity it had, it self destructed.

Yay.

Now on to awesome-r business!

The person who was apparently gender-confused turned out to be a guy, who gotten surgery, and made himself into a girl.

Because he always wanted to be one.

Turned out the dude was over the age of thirty.

Thus, he had plastic surgery, therefore, he applied or high schools for little boys.

Therefore, he was a pedophile molester.

Thank God that he was arrested before he reached his new-found target, Juumonji.

Therefore, Juumonji was saved.

Yay.

What are you still doing here? You wasted your life reading this, while you could've done something outside.

Now shoo.

Or else.

I'm serious.

Okay.

Fine then…

…

…

…

Stop that!

OKAY! BE THAT WAY!

The evil teddy bear from Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series will take over from here!

_You mother plays card games in hell!_

… Okay… but my mommy is alive.

_Hail Satan!_

Okay, you've got to be (censored) me. Who would want to do that?

_You suck, and have no life!_

Shut up!

_Go cry to your mommy, oh wait- __she dead!_

No she isn't!

**Another Epilogue**

The bear was burned, because it was evil, and it wanted to brain-wash us.

The other voice, who was stupid enough to hire that bear and was terribly insulted, went to a mental hospital, and was shot…

The End, for this bad chapter.


	5. Kid

Dear Stupid Pink Diary,

I _hate_ Kid!

_Woah, sister! Hold it! Me; _stupid_? You clearly haven't thought through that diaries do not have brains to think with. Wait, I'm pink?_

Yea… my dad gave you to me at the age of six.

_How old are you now?_

Seven

_Okay… then why pink?_

I don't know!

_Um… okay… so… why'd you hate this… Kid?_

Because he's a lowly cowboy wanna-be who deserves to be crushed by a dinosaur.

_Anything else?_

I'm too lazy to write it down.

_If I had a brain, I could think up of the possibilities you could have written down on my… is my pages pink too?_

No, they're rainbow-colored.

_Rainbow aren't that bad_

Yes, I quite agree.

_What were we talking about again?_

How much of a cork-bum that Kid could be.

_Right. Now why'd you hate his guts?_

He dated my sister.

_And?_

He plays football.

_I don't see why-_

I was hit by a football that was flying at 25/hour, right into my face; followed by 5 smelly men. I was three, and I was hospitalized for about 2 years.

_Ouch, you got traumatized_

No, I didn't. I became a git who hated football ever since.

_Were you in the playing field?_

Do I seem stupid to you?

_Now that you mention it-_

That was a rhetorical statement! You don't even **have** eyes!

_You make a good point_

Of course.

_So the cowboy football player is who you hate. Aside from being a cowboy and a football player and dating your sister, why'd you hate him?_

He was the one who threw it.

…_and?_

…

_I didn't get another reason_

I can't say.

_Why?_

Because you'll know

_I'm a _diary_ I'm supposed to know your little secrets._

Oh yea.

_Not the brightest crayon in the box, are you?_

Not since that football accident.

_You know what? You should stop B(censored)ing at me! Before I became your diary, I was; mutilated, burned by acid, cremated, shot, cursed, shunned, honey-poured-_

Honey poured?

_Long story; replaced, lost, and many other things! You don't see me complaining!_

Just now you were-

_I was making a point._

You're a diary; I'm supposed to vent my frustrations over you.

_Then why do you think walls were invented?_

Privacy.

_Besides that!_

Stick stuff on.

_Getting closer_

Draw on

_Stuff that also doesn't apply to diaries._

…Pee on?

_What?_

I dunno.

_Forget it. It seems I lose my patience to children before teenagers. So, what was the last reason why you hate that Kid… Hey, it rhymes with Bid, and sid… lid, hid, crib, bib, lib, Dib, fib, mid, fid, pid, rib, pie, quib, tib, tid, rid, chocolate, pid, pib, pimp, wid, wib, wud, wed, LOVE, and much much more._

…You do realize that most of those words either don't exist, or doesn't even rhyme at all.

_Like what?_

Like LOVE.

_OH! So you love this Kid, eh?_

What? NO!

_Yea you do,_

No I don't

_Of course you do, you just love it how he walks and how manly his hips sway and when he corners you, and bends over real close to you and whisper, with his hot breath tingling your sensitive nose; "I love cheese burgers"_

You're just scaring me.

_I know (heart)_

What heart?

_AHA! SO YOU DO ADMIT YOU LOVE HIM!_

I'm just repeating what you said.

_Or _are_ you?_

Yes, I am quite sure.

_Are you lying? You could be lying._

Why would I lie to a diary?

_I dunno._

Unfortunately, at that moment, Kid walked into the child's room and picked up her diary, thinking it was a book. Since it was too outrageously girly to be a diary, and read the last two pages of writing, while keeping the diary out of her clutches.

Of course, he was stunned.

"You love me?" he said, and also quite disturbed at what the diary wrote about his hips and the cheese burgers.

"No! That diary is cursed! It replied everything! It even made up stuff, like that you liked cheese burgers!" she cried, snatching back her diary.

"But I do like cheese burgers…" Kid said.

"Is everything alright?" the child's older sister walked in.

"Sis! My diary is haunted! Look at what it wrote!" she showed her diary to her older sister.

"You love my boyfriend?" of course, she also read the cheese burger part.

"You like his hips?" she turned around to Kid, "**You cornered her?**" Now she's getting quite angry.

"No!" the child and Kid both yelled.

If you think about it, Kid doesn't look like he's a pedophile. But since he looked too mature for his age, most people would think he is one, when he goes out with teenage girls and what not.

So maybe he is.

"You're not helping!"

KID STOP CHOCKING ME!

GAH!

**Fine**

Here's your stupid Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Kid was dumped.

The kid was sent to an institute.

The sister went looking for a date with Sena, (you can look back at chapter Sena) and met the diary, and still hated her sister. 


End file.
